Ridden a good roller coaster

So, I wanted to start this post with a “HAHA” but I chose not to be waggish and continue with a straight sort of a face. Finally a blogpost after several hundred days. Am I serious? Well, I looked up to this very separate folder I always had on my HD and it had so many folders and files that said “New blogpost 1”, “Finally a blogpost”, “I think I will post this”, “Blogpost after so long”, “BLAAAG”, Bleh-rr-ghh” well so many files! I open those and see nothing on it apart from a couple of lines like “HEY I WAS DEAD”, “HEY SO FINALLY I THOUGHT I SHOULD WRITE”, “YEEEEE BLOGSPOT DOT COM” “I THINK I REALLY NEED TO LET MY HEART OUT HERE”, “HELLO EVERYONE”. It sounds sort of exaggerated but the truth is that I wasn’t able to write farther along those lines. Well, where the hell was I? The answer to that is, right here, distracted by career life, being tremendously happy even if there was nothing to be happy about (well I think that’s cool enough), keeping THAT busy life active even if it stole most of my sleep away, I loved having no thoughts to think about, figuring out a cluster of answers to unanswerable questions, necessarily ignoring things that weren’t so worth, purposely moved myself into delightful chain of events, on the face of it, I was just riding a roller coaster myself - a good one! (Well, I do know roller coasters are automated, don't judge me :P)

This year has been undeniably a blessing to me. A few things that I would love to share that strongly happened around this year.

On Making DECISIONS:

When someone talked to me about decisions earlier I always looked at it as such a big sized messed up deal. Decisions, for the most part are like important stories and that’s exactly what we mostly love messing up with. I’m talking about messing up when it comes

to deciding on wrong set of things. Well, we all sometimes fall short of making up the right mind. In the past I did such things too by failing to grasp the significance of what the odds were. And as we age, we look at the past like it’s the biggest bullshit we ever saw in our lives, since we now know what good decisions likely weigh. But this year I do know it for sure that I did make many good decisions for myself which have taken me to a different level of a happy living. Good decisions are good stories that teach you great morals. And everything seems more meaningful when you are happy with what you've decided. Now I don’t find making decisions as a deal any more because I've found the peace in being watchful with what I truly want.

On some DISCOVERY:

 I discovered new talents in me. Honestly, I never thought I would get into the field called Interior designing. It was just an “I-don’t-know-where-the-hell-that-comes-from” sort of an idea. I remember drawing buildings and perspective views of a duplex all my childhood life and my parents thought “She’d be such a cool Architect” and I ended up studying “Tax”. Even though I’m such a hater of math, my life always turned in circles around numbers. I have such horrendous hatred toward math but I adopted it. It’s a baby and it’s growing. Let it be! The discovery is sure not about the baby I adopted. It’s about having the talent of designing that made everything fresh in my career life. Although the plan seemed a blur initially, I’m happy I didn’t limit the idea of discovering new things in me. I felt the need to explore my potentials, so I did. It’s very essential to not coop our ideas and equally essential to avoid repetitiousness!

On being ME:

I have been a different person - stronger than I ever thought I would be. I’ve had my own set of bad days all through but I do know I gained strength above all. I’ve worked well with what I really needed for myself and that paid me a beautiful life. I offered possibility to a few things to fall in place even after knowing they wouldn’t, apparently faith worked in its ways most of the times. Being good to myself did work the best for me each time I felt low in my spirit. I smiled more than needed even though I knew deep within I had a string of pain attached somewhere in me. Although expectations have been piled up in heaps, I found joy in being selfless. I also did take a huge break from the networking sites to lessen the noise around me however addictions are always louder in life but I did take good breaks to gather myself up and spend time alone even if I really didn’t like it one bit. There is something ridiculously good about getting away from everything, I don’t know how far that even helped but I do appreciate the idea of keeping myself away from things/people sometimes. I lived everyday with care this year, concentrated on what I mostly wanted, did exactly what I loved doing and loved everything I did beyond measure! I have been moulding myself according to what God’s plans for me would be. I gave up on the most important part of myself to balance who God wants me to be. I have learned amazing lessons and each time I only found restoration in my faith. So far so good, I know I have lead an inspiring life.

Wait! I still love being hilarious.

How can you edit a laugh in reality? I mean seriously? :P

Hello 2014, I hope you’re the Rockstar! Happy New year Blogger world! 

On how I miss her

I start off scribbling auspiciously about how sorry I feel for not being able to write. And one way or another there was a point in life (probably when I was living “The point A of life”) when writing was the only thing I felt better doing before going to bed. Now I don’t know where my whole time is being put in that I am not able to take that little time out for the precious words I hold within. Blog sphere is a place where I made good friends for life, some I lost and some I regained. And wow I love this world! I should mention this that I’m sure I will try to write here like before.

I was just sitting down the other day recalling all the changes that took place in my life within a course of few months. These changes were so dissimilar and new. And I’m so good at NOT adjusting to “changes” but good news is that I learned over the days on how to stride with these changes with a happy sort of face.

My sister is married for four months now to the guy she loved for nine years [Second longest possible love story I have come across in my entire life, first happens to be my parents’ :P]. The day they all have jointly agreed with the date of the wedding the first thing I did was- sprung off the ground, twirled around and held myself happily because I’d own the whole room (I been sharing with her for 24 years) for myself. Eventually I felt happier thinking about the maid of honour tag I’d dangle around, the food I’d get to eat and SHOPPING was the best part from my realistic day dreams. Truthfully for the kind of excitement I held it didn’t seem like it was her wedding it seemed more like mine. And as the wedding date kept drawing closer I felt “OH NO” it’s okay stay with me sister I don’t want this room for myself. Finally all of us got really busy with the arrangements and shopping that I couldn’t get that good last sisterly time to spend with her. All of us were nervous until the end of the wedding about a lot of things. She rode back to her in laws with her partner and waved a very happy BYE DADDY I’LL CALL YOU TOMORROW while my dad was actually with eyes full of tears. My sister’s husband pulled her inside the car and told her to not scream like that and she didn’t know how to act sentimental. She was funnily innocent like that.

After the wedding all of us only wanted to fly home and get some sleep. That night was pretty normal. Slowly guests started leaving to their homes and my house started getting empty and I was holding myself from bursting out because I started feeling so miserable already without her. My sister was the kind of a girl who was too loud. Even my watchman knows what happens one the fifth floor maybe, that loud. And the house turned all silent. Mum’s silent. Bro’s silent. Dad’s nowhere in the picture as he had loads of pending work to take care of. My home was empty in a week’s time after the wedding. I come to the room to sleep and she is not around to finish off her night rituals [face wash & night creams]. The mirror was full of dust and stains because I honestly don’t use it more than once every day. Her bed was empty every time I woke up from my sleep in the mornings. I’m used to looking at her first every morning. It was a very unusual experience. I only held myself together and cried remembering those cute memories we shared throughout our lives together. Silly fights, long conversations in the nights, being jealous about each other for weird reasons, laughing at our childhood pictures saying “Yuck look at you”, crying together, praying together and every tiny thing that related to me and her made me long for her so bad! I used to cry bitterly talking in the air “I need you around”. But slowly I adjusted to the change of not having her around all the time at home.

The special attention she gets every time she comes home makes me feel like getting married soon. Instead of asking me about my well-being people end up asking me “Hey, How’s your sister doing?”. And I feel like asking them “Is she at a war?” but end up saying “She’s good”. When she was around we probably gave less attention about what she does, what her plans were, why she stays silent and why she gets hyper. But ever since she left home we have gotten even closer to her. Marriages sure bring good luck [initially and I hope it’s until eternity]. She is doing brilliant and is happy.

It’s so difficult when one of your siblings move to another place forever yet it’s in a way really good because you’ll get closer to them. In my case of scenario “I’m under the spot light” at home and everywhere as I’m that second daughter left to be married and now people only say “You’re next”.

I was inspired to write this post when my mum told me yesterday that flat number 502 from my apartment [the guy from who I used to steal internet connection :P] moved to another place. So, my brother and I immediately asked her to inform my sister about it with the idea that my sister and her husband would move to our apartment. That only made me realize how much we missed her.

I still wish we were kids and I wish we just lived together until we grew up again. I miss you di.

“A place that is empty and has only you in it will never give you good memories as much as it would when you have your siblings filled in it” - Me

Colorful Love

Yellow grass and green music

Blue air and white skies,

Red song and turquoise lyrics

Silver water and black fire,

Holding them all together

With shining stars in the hearts,

Breathing lavender & fruit

Sitting on an orange so cute,

Sliding through the glass of blue

Riding on the clouds so pink,

Talking to the moon at noon

To paint the sun blue & silver,

And build our house on a golden star

Blinking white never to fight,

Floating in colors we’ll make things right,

Smiling so aqua

Splashing purple lemon soda,

Dipping us in yellow and bright

To give you a chocolate hug too tight,

Because our love splendors

In many such colors!!

I know I barely make any sense, but yea love is crazy and it can get colorful often times. And this is how mad one can get when in love =P

Love is the glimpse of Heaven....

A very cute girl has this cute love for someone…. And talks her heart out with her friend…

Friend – You love him so much right?

Girl – Yes. *shots a quizzical look at her friend*

Friend- Wondering how I knew what’s in your heart?

Girl - *half-smiles*… Well, who else can read it apart from you?

Friend – I am unsure if it’s all about reading, but your eyes speak, when you look at him like that.

Girl – you observe too much. *throws a book at her*

Friend - *Catches the book* … so, why don’t you just go tell him about how you feel.

Girl – how I feel?

Friend – yeah, the heart thumps faster when you see him, the music in the background, the breeze blowing in your face etc etc!

Girl – Jeez it never happened. But heart thumping faster part is agreeable.

Friend – yeah whatever, so go tell him all of that. Like, I love you and can’t live without you stuff.

Girl – No I can’t.

Friend – You want me to help you?

Girl – No. Not that way. I mean, I don’t want him to know my feelings for him.

Friend - *gives the weirdest look* … Okay? And why on earth is that?

Girl – What would I tell him? “Hi, you know what? I committed a blunder trusting a guy when I was 17. Then fell for someone else’s words when I was 20 and eventually ended up having thick scars on my heart. Now I fell in love with you. What’s your answer? Is that what I’m supposed to tell him?

Friend – Err. Chica. You don’t have to tell him about the things happened in your past. Tell him about what you feel for him right now. And who would want to know a decade’s old story? Love is love. Go let him know before it’s too late.

Girl – So, according to you, love is being dishonest?

Friend – No, I don’t mean it like that, but you should just tell him about your feelings first, then about your past life.

Girl - *grabs the book from her (friend’s) hands, starts flipping pages* …

Friend – Okay, I won’t ask you to do anything, but answer this question.

Girl - *Question mark face*

Friend – What if you see him getting married to someone else?

Girl- Ouch. It’s gonna invite another crack to my tiny heart. But you know what? I want something like that to happen. Not the crack, I want him to be with someone more deserving and not me. I’m gonna be happy for him although there will be the lil ‘ouch’ continuing.

Friend – Go jump somewhere. Save the philosophy.

Girl – No seriously. I don't want the whole idea of being expressive eat me up, when the answer is a hell NO from him. Loving isn’t about being together, or wanting each other badly. It’s just about LOVING. It has no rules. No conditions. It’s just called love. It’s about how happy you can live for someone you love. Hoping for that boy’s happiness serves me the best moments. I desire to stay alone loving him, than being with him and someday losing him.

* * *

Silence between both while the girl talks to herself in the inside -

[That’s what I think about love no idea about other’s ideas, maybe I’m wrong but it’s okay. It's good to express but I'm not ready yet for another ache in the heart. But what matters really is to see that boy happy always.]

Friend – I like it.

Girl- Which part?

Friend – The loving logic :-)

Girl- hmm-mm *Nods head vertically*

Friend - **Hugs her tight**

…so this cute girl can’t express it to him because she thinks it’s better to not hold onto something so tight and later realize that it’s been released from the hands leaving too many scars to the heart. Sometimes heartbreaks make it such a tough thing for anyone to be expressive because the fear of losing someone always remains in their thoughts. But ultimately you’ll know the exact meaning of love and that is what the girl finally learned. She learned how to LOVE and not expect anything out of it.

Love as much as you can. And remember when you start expecting things, you’re only making way to a regretful life ahead.

We can do no great things; only small things with great love -

Mother Teresa

PS: Not a real story. Story about how the things of the past made that girl non-expressive and not being prepared for the future and all she believed in was to love!

Happiness

What makes me happy?
Strum chords on my guitar on the terrace at night watching the sky with the diamond like stars glittering with the wind blowing all around is one thing out of the little list of things that make me happy, thinking about the best moments of my life, the best moments. And believe me it is something that has gotten to the core of my happiness.

I love photography. It unconditionally makes me smile when I capture something I like or something I find really really cute. I have huge collection of pictures, and most of those pictures of mine are with weird expressions. See the one on my blogger page too, agree? I always find it a good thing to capture anything I like, because someday you look at the picture and you go back to those first and most important moments and say “HEY I REMEMBER, THAT DAY WAS SUPER”. I do that truly, whenever I dig my old folders and also get a chance to laugh at the old times. Yeah, ultimately photography is something I’m always happy about.

Shopping is one more thing that can make me happy much better than anything on my list of likes. (Probably that’s one reason why I’m broke to bankruptcy at the moment). Every time I go shopping and buy stuff I like, I try them on and stand in front of the mirror with a wide smile, especially when I buy stuff on a sale, and I’m not the typical brand tag wearer. I can go cheap when it comes to buying stuff I like. Shopping can’t be done every day but it can make me happy any day!

Who makes me smile?
It’s slightly difficult to make me smile, I’m at the moment more of a serious person. So there are hardly a few who can make me smile, no matter how rude or unpleasantly coarse I am at times.

Khushboo, my BFF is one person who can always make me smile. It’s not that she cracks a joke or something, but it’s that when I’m with her I can smile and laugh, like a lot. We talk totally about not-so-important things, laugh out loud, play BINGO and TIC-TAC-TOE on our record work-books, etc. We both laugh for nothing that’s the funniest part or sometimes laugh looking at each other. She has been my friend since 7 years now. Though we are not in touch often these days because of the busy work schedule of hers, I still know she is one person I can be happy with. Trust me, even if I’m depressed for decades, she can make me happy in a jiffy.

Ashish, my nephew is another guy who can irritate me and make me smile both at the same time. He’s just 1.5 years old. He hates it if my mom pampers me because of the attention he misses. When he sees me with my mom, he doesn’t really react at first, but makes sure to throw his shoes at me at least once in the end. It kind of irritates me to the core but with he’s got a killer smile, trust me. I’m always left with zero options to be angry with him.

I can be happy anytime, anywhere, any day, when I’m with mom and bro. They play a very important role in my life. So it means I’m happy almost every day when they’re around.

Do I laugh every day?
Pretty difficult to answer, but yes when I’m with my friends, I laugh a lot. When I think of the stupid and weird days of my life, I laugh a lil. But laughing everyday is something I have lacked. It’s not possible to laugh every moment. But yes when I laugh, I laugh like a drain. It’s sometimes good when people around look at me with an expression “What happened?” on their not-so-good-looking-faces. I will be happier if there’s something that makes me laugh every day.

Love?
Love, umm, well, lol, okay. I love God more than anything or anyone. Its not just because I’m spiritually inclined, but loving God more than anyone is a naked truth. Apart from the whole of spirituality thing, I love my family, friends and enemies (Okay, enemies because I don’t have anyone at the moment. So it was really easy for me to add it in my lovely love list).

This post ain’t random; I wanted to convey about one of my favorite quotes through this post. About what makes me happy, who makes me smile, how I laugh and about whom I love.

“Do what makes you happy
Be with who makes you smile
Laugh as much as you breathe
Love as long as you live”

Think about the list of things that makes you happy! Think.

The Lazy Me...

Have you ever come across friends or relatives who bid Bye after a long conversation making essential additions such as “Come home someday” (Genuinely or Just for the heck of it). I happened to meet a friend who said the same and I said yeah sure. She came home one fine morning and asked me to get ready and keep up my words. Oh ok? Well, I was too lazy that day because of the cloudy weather which tempted me to be of no use the entire day. I also felt like cuddling under the quilt; sleep all day with the slow old romantic songs playing in my ears and the thought of singing those songs also made me feel ridiculously lazy. I kept her waiting for a long time and could see her expression changing each time I looked at her (lazily). She almost flushed red when I brought a pile of books, magazines, photo albums etc and scattered them on the table where she sat waiting for me and said “Enjoy reading”. After an unspecified delay, I was unwillingly ready.

Honestly, I go to her place only to pamper the cute pet she owns. Dogs and cats make me happy, like a lot. Right now I don’t own either of them because of some unnecessary restrictions. It was an awesome day with zoyi. Zoyi? It’s the name of the dog. I’ve been to her place twice, once when zoyi was a pup and again now after it seemed a lil grown up. As soon as zoyi saw me it barked, which actually made me alert and my laziness vanished just for five seconds. But my eyes didn’t stop looking around for a better place to sit lazily, somewhere near the window. But zoyi was barking at me and made me wonder if I looked like a monster? I checked myself so many times. Zoyi is my hair scaring you baby dog, baby dog I mean? My friend’s family members explained zoyi being annoyed at new comers, which made me smile (lazily).

But my friend’s family members are the loveliest people I have ever met in life. They treated me like I was someone very special to them and my laziness which was following me all the way from my home passed out of sight very quickly. They were very certain that I would join them for lunch. I wasn’t hungry so was hesitant at first. I told them I wouldn’t eat anything, I looked up after two blinks from where I sat and found everyone standing and staring me in the face with blank expressions. I just had to say “OK”. And then the food was served. Pamper me, compliment me, but don’t feed me when I am not hungry, please *sob sob*. I didn’t feel out of place at all. I was more comfortable and cheerful.

Later in the evening I took zoyi for a walk, in fact people thought zoyi was taking me for a walk (he he). It was a fun-lazy-day, with oodles of pamper which flushed the negative thoughts off my mind and kept me alive with the fact that “I’m Special”.

I got back home and was back to the normal mode – lazy!

Coming Soon

Yeah! Very soon...