Ridden a good roller coaster

So, I wanted to start this post with a “HAHA” but I chose not to be waggish and continue with a straight sort of a face. Finally a blogpost after several hundred days. Am I serious? Well, I looked up to this very separate folder I always had on my HD and it had so many folders and files that said “New blogpost 1”, “Finally a blogpost”, “I think I will post this”, “Blogpost after so long”, “BLAAAG”, Bleh-rr-ghh” well so many files! I open those and see nothing on it apart from a couple of lines like “HEY I WAS DEAD”, “HEY SO FINALLY I THOUGHT I SHOULD WRITE”, “YEEEEE BLOGSPOT DOT COM” “I THINK I REALLY NEED TO LET MY HEART OUT HERE”, “HELLO EVERYONE”. It sounds sort of exaggerated but the truth is that I wasn’t able to write farther along those lines. Well, where the hell was I? The answer to that is, right here, distracted by career life, being tremendously happy even if there was nothing to be happy about (well I think that’s cool enough), keeping THAT busy life active even if it stole most of my sleep away, I loved having no thoughts to think about, figuring out a cluster of answers to unanswerable questions, necessarily ignoring things that weren’t so worth, purposely moved myself into delightful chain of events, on the face of it, I was just riding a roller coaster myself - a good one! (Well, I do know roller coasters are automated, don't judge me :P)

This year has been undeniably a blessing to me. A few things that I would love to share that strongly happened around this year.

On Making DECISIONS:

When someone talked to me about decisions earlier I always looked at it as such a big sized messed up deal. Decisions, for the most part are like important stories and that’s exactly what we mostly love messing up with. I’m talking about messing up when it comes

to deciding on wrong set of things. Well, we all sometimes fall short of making up the right mind. In the past I did such things too by failing to grasp the significance of what the odds were. And as we age, we look at the past like it’s the biggest bullshit we ever saw in our lives, since we now know what good decisions likely weigh. But this year I do know it for sure that I did make many good decisions for myself which have taken me to a different level of a happy living. Good decisions are good stories that teach you great morals. And everything seems more meaningful when you are happy with what you've decided. Now I don’t find making decisions as a deal any more because I've found the peace in being watchful with what I truly want.

On some DISCOVERY:

 I discovered new talents in me. Honestly, I never thought I would get into the field called Interior designing. It was just an “I-don’t-know-where-the-hell-that-comes-from” sort of an idea. I remember drawing buildings and perspective views of a duplex all my childhood life and my parents thought “She’d be such a cool Architect” and I ended up studying “Tax”. Even though I’m such a hater of math, my life always turned in circles around numbers. I have such horrendous hatred toward math but I adopted it. It’s a baby and it’s growing. Let it be! The discovery is sure not about the baby I adopted. It’s about having the talent of designing that made everything fresh in my career life. Although the plan seemed a blur initially, I’m happy I didn’t limit the idea of discovering new things in me. I felt the need to explore my potentials, so I did. It’s very essential to not coop our ideas and equally essential to avoid repetitiousness!

On being ME:

I have been a different person - stronger than I ever thought I would be. I’ve had my own set of bad days all through but I do know I gained strength above all. I’ve worked well with what I really needed for myself and that paid me a beautiful life. I offered possibility to a few things to fall in place even after knowing they wouldn’t, apparently faith worked in its ways most of the times. Being good to myself did work the best for me each time I felt low in my spirit. I smiled more than needed even though I knew deep within I had a string of pain attached somewhere in me. Although expectations have been piled up in heaps, I found joy in being selfless. I also did take a huge break from the networking sites to lessen the noise around me however addictions are always louder in life but I did take good breaks to gather myself up and spend time alone even if I really didn’t like it one bit. There is something ridiculously good about getting away from everything, I don’t know how far that even helped but I do appreciate the idea of keeping myself away from things/people sometimes. I lived everyday with care this year, concentrated on what I mostly wanted, did exactly what I loved doing and loved everything I did beyond measure! I have been moulding myself according to what God’s plans for me would be. I gave up on the most important part of myself to balance who God wants me to be. I have learned amazing lessons and each time I only found restoration in my faith. So far so good, I know I have lead an inspiring life.

Wait! I still love being hilarious.

How can you edit a laugh in reality? I mean seriously? :P

Hello 2014, I hope you’re the Rockstar! Happy New year Blogger world! 

On how I miss her

I start off scribbling auspiciously about how sorry I feel for not being able to write. And one way or another there was a point in life (probably when I was living “The point A of life”) when writing was the only thing I felt better doing before going to bed. Now I don’t know where my whole time is being put in that I am not able to take that little time out for the precious words I hold within. Blog sphere is a place where I made good friends for life, some I lost and some I regained. And wow I love this world! I should mention this that I’m sure I will try to write here like before.

I was just sitting down the other day recalling all the changes that took place in my life within a course of few months. These changes were so dissimilar and new. And I’m so good at NOT adjusting to “changes” but good news is that I learned over the days on how to stride with these changes with a happy sort of face.

My sister is married for four months now to the guy she loved for nine years [Second longest possible love story I have come across in my entire life, first happens to be my parents’ :P]. The day they all have jointly agreed with the date of the wedding the first thing I did was- sprung off the ground, twirled around and held myself happily because I’d own the whole room (I been sharing with her for 24 years) for myself. Eventually I felt happier thinking about the maid of honour tag I’d dangle around, the food I’d get to eat and SHOPPING was the best part from my realistic day dreams. Truthfully for the kind of excitement I held it didn’t seem like it was her wedding it seemed more like mine. And as the wedding date kept drawing closer I felt “OH NO” it’s okay stay with me sister I don’t want this room for myself. Finally all of us got really busy with the arrangements and shopping that I couldn’t get that good last sisterly time to spend with her. All of us were nervous until the end of the wedding about a lot of things. She rode back to her in laws with her partner and waved a very happy BYE DADDY I’LL CALL YOU TOMORROW while my dad was actually with eyes full of tears. My sister’s husband pulled her inside the car and told her to not scream like that and she didn’t know how to act sentimental. She was funnily innocent like that.

After the wedding all of us only wanted to fly home and get some sleep. That night was pretty normal. Slowly guests started leaving to their homes and my house started getting empty and I was holding myself from bursting out because I started feeling so miserable already without her. My sister was the kind of a girl who was too loud. Even my watchman knows what happens one the fifth floor maybe, that loud. And the house turned all silent. Mum’s silent. Bro’s silent. Dad’s nowhere in the picture as he had loads of pending work to take care of. My home was empty in a week’s time after the wedding. I come to the room to sleep and she is not around to finish off her night rituals [face wash & night creams]. The mirror was full of dust and stains because I honestly don’t use it more than once every day. Her bed was empty every time I woke up from my sleep in the mornings. I’m used to looking at her first every morning. It was a very unusual experience. I only held myself together and cried remembering those cute memories we shared throughout our lives together. Silly fights, long conversations in the nights, being jealous about each other for weird reasons, laughing at our childhood pictures saying “Yuck look at you”, crying together, praying together and every tiny thing that related to me and her made me long for her so bad! I used to cry bitterly talking in the air “I need you around”. But slowly I adjusted to the change of not having her around all the time at home.

The special attention she gets every time she comes home makes me feel like getting married soon. Instead of asking me about my well-being people end up asking me “Hey, How’s your sister doing?”. And I feel like asking them “Is she at a war?” but end up saying “She’s good”. When she was around we probably gave less attention about what she does, what her plans were, why she stays silent and why she gets hyper. But ever since she left home we have gotten even closer to her. Marriages sure bring good luck [initially and I hope it’s until eternity]. She is doing brilliant and is happy.

It’s so difficult when one of your siblings move to another place forever yet it’s in a way really good because you’ll get closer to them. In my case of scenario “I’m under the spot light” at home and everywhere as I’m that second daughter left to be married and now people only say “You’re next”.

I was inspired to write this post when my mum told me yesterday that flat number 502 from my apartment [the guy from who I used to steal internet connection :P] moved to another place. So, my brother and I immediately asked her to inform my sister about it with the idea that my sister and her husband would move to our apartment. That only made me realize how much we missed her.

I still wish we were kids and I wish we just lived together until we grew up again. I miss you di.

“A place that is empty and has only you in it will never give you good memories as much as it would when you have your siblings filled in it” - Me

In just one MINUTE

She was pillion riding on the bike at a very normal speed on a flyover glancing at the street lights that seemed like shining yellow-orange dots in a dark space, thoroughly enjoying the pleasant weather with cool breeze blowing in her hair. She dislikes the smell of the ugly pollution but loves sharing some giggles with the rider every now and then which was making her the happiest of all on earth. Then she gets a quick idea to bless the mouth watering imagination about the ice-cream that she's gonna have after the ride with the rider but somehow the imagination broke as she was alarmed by the sound of a squeaky brake thats coming from a distance.

Her heart was quite NOT HAPPY knowing the fact that someone's gonna fall and maybe break a couple of their bones, she prays that nothing happens to that person who's losing control of the bike. She experiences a crazy doubt sweeping in her when the sound of squeaky brake, broke louder in her ears, how'd she know that she was gonna experience the most scary stuff for the first time in her entire life in that one minute? Her face felt cold and her heart went numb when the bike she was pillion riding on swung disastrously and she realized that someone who was supposed to be breaking bones else where has happily bumped into them in a great speed.

She had a sympathetic fear touching her heart while she hits her head on the ground, which made her feel that "GOD WAS CALLING HER HOME" and she thought maybe today is the day when she will be bidding goodbyes to earth and a huge hello to, err, probably Heaven? One thing that she wished for was that she and the rider stayed alive for a little longer because there is much to accomplish here. She was slowly reacting to the fact of what had happened within a span of no time, she widely gazes at the rider who's in a shock. She tries to pull her leg that's been lying under the bike for a normal 40 seconds after the bike crashed.

After a moments time she was on her feet, slightly limping and glances at the rider one more time with a clear vision to make sure things are fine. Though she couldn't bear to see the bruises of the rider. Her head was not in one place but revolved around something - "We're ALIVE". And the next thought again was "YEAH I know we're ALIVE".

Let me break it properly - This has been my first accident. Something that shook me a lil more than needed. I never got to eat that ice-cream I was craving for that day. We, ended up at a local hospital giving some details to the doctor and hearing people whisper in their ears "they met with an accident" and seeing pity in their eyes made me feel like crying beyond all hopes. No, we're seriously okay. At least now? WE'RE BETTER.

But, I've learned just one thing out of this whole thing, I SO WISHED FOR LIFE when I seen the face of a disaster coming my way. You won't know what happens in the very next moment of your life. Instead of an ice-cream cup in the hand, I was holding medical prescriptions with bruises on the arm and on the leg. Luckily my head didn't bleed nor did I go through some designer stitches :\ But yeah, I've had an egg-shaped bump on the head for quite sometime. But the fear of losing life was one thing that shook me the most. And one thing I'd wanna confess is that - There is nothing better than living happy in life because when you know you're life here is beautiful, you'll actually live happy when you leave this earth.

Stop cribbing. Stop crying over things that don't belong to you. Stop selfishness. Go do something that makes you and the person next to you happy. And most importantly, pray.

Now SMILE :-)

Some of the GOOD LESSONS

We learn a lot in life, don’t we? Let it be personally or professionally, physically or mentally, socially or financially. We keep learning new lessons at every point and at every corner of our lives. Most of us might have as well faced some of the vexatious situations in life like heartbreak, losing someone special (demise), failure, accusations, betrayal etc. As a kid when I made mistakes, mom used to correct me once. At times I used to repeat the same mistake and she cold-shoulders it. Not because she was not bothered about it, but she let me learn my own mistakes and the lessons fully.

Speaking personally I did experience a lot in life in the past four years. Some of the experiences made me a bitter person as well. I remember posting about losing my smile down the road a while ago here. Most of us go through rough phases and most of them don’t. People who have never experienced anything like this will not be able to learn the tough life nor will they be able to handle any kind of a situation. I was grappling with problems. And that’s how I started to smile very less, looked fragile every morning, stopped moving around with friends, lost the bubbly character in me, lay in bed awake all night. That made me a serious person; I was easily irritable.

I know I’ve hurt a bunch of friends because of my own worries. I let worries and problems rule my life. The anger I had within me regarding the problems I had to face was scattered among my friends, and most of them still know the way I behaved with them though it’s not their fault at all. I just had the feeling that nothing in life is permanent. People come and people go. This feeling made me bitter and honestly I never meant to hurt anyone but just tried my best to stay away for a while to come out of what I was going through.

As a matter of fact, when I’m annoyed leave me for 10 minutes and I’m back to normal and can fix the situation. Or I might say things I needed to and later regret. Most of them try to prolong it even after I say, “I’m pissed off”... “Leave me alone” … When I say that I truly mean it. It usually never works out, because the opposite person keeps blaming himself/herself for spoiling my mood etc. No sir, not really. Even if you freak me out or I freak out on my own, I just need sometime and then I’m back to normal. Things usually grow worse in such cases. Am sure you agree with me.

Trust me I have really made great friends in life. These bunch of friends (I call em my wabbits) have stayed with me and tolerated me being crabby with them all the time. Some of them who really didn’t understand what I was going through faded away but true friends always remain with you no matter how worse the situation is. I can pick some of them who remained with me knowing what I’ve been through. I want to group hug them.

It reminds me of a fight I had with a close friend of mine two days ago. I was pissed off at him for a reason (basically) and have been ignoring all the explanations he has given to me. I know it was a bad idea to be angry for so long and decided to apologize. Before I could say something he had given me a gift to cheer me up. It was a tiny lil frame that had a friendship quote imprinted on it which said:

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go…

Some people stay for a while and leave their footprints on our hearts

And we are never ever the same”

That’s the MAGIC OF TRUE FRIENDSHIP.

That was extremely cute and it did cheer me up. So, I'm gonna say good-byes to the Hyper-Queen today and understand how valuable my smile is. I have learnt good lessons and I now know the ones who will remain with me forever! I’m feeling lucky.

Complex situations

Have you ever been in a situation when you’re-?

Feeling a spasm of panic?

Feeling a never-ending numbness?

Dejected but yet try to look cheerful?

Waiting for a miraculous healing to your broken heart?

Damaged irreparably through the waves of hurt and wondering what to do?

Wanting to drink to drown your sorrows?

Deciding how to move on?

Waiting for life to begin?

Not realizing what’s the very best part of your life?

Waiting for someone to say “Come here give me a big hug?”

Moving effortlessly back into the agonizing memories?

Not able to move a step forward nor backward?

Trying to demolish every trace of something or someone?

This is your day, get over it. Your decision brings a change. No matter in what way the situation is positioned, it’s only you who can be responsible and deal with it. I really know why I posted this, on account of the fact that everyone goes through this phase once in a life time. Some of them don’t, they’re lucky. Honestly, I did go through a phase a lil similar to this, waited for wrong things in perpetuity and realized now what the very best part of my life is. So, whenever you decide for the best never regret it. Never miss the best things of your life. You just have to grasp the significance of it.

I just did it, and I’m free from all those very-very-heavy-burdens, I carried all this while on my shoulders. *Taking a sigh of relief*

“I see my worries flee

I feel carefree

In sorrows, I will never drown

Will always wear an invisible crown”

So, what is the very best thing of your life?

Happiness

What makes me happy?
Strum chords on my guitar on the terrace at night watching the sky with the diamond like stars glittering with the wind blowing all around is one thing out of the little list of things that make me happy, thinking about the best moments of my life, the best moments. And believe me it is something that has gotten to the core of my happiness.

I love photography. It unconditionally makes me smile when I capture something I like or something I find really really cute. I have huge collection of pictures, and most of those pictures of mine are with weird expressions. See the one on my blogger page too, agree? I always find it a good thing to capture anything I like, because someday you look at the picture and you go back to those first and most important moments and say “HEY I REMEMBER, THAT DAY WAS SUPER”. I do that truly, whenever I dig my old folders and also get a chance to laugh at the old times. Yeah, ultimately photography is something I’m always happy about.

Shopping is one more thing that can make me happy much better than anything on my list of likes. (Probably that’s one reason why I’m broke to bankruptcy at the moment). Every time I go shopping and buy stuff I like, I try them on and stand in front of the mirror with a wide smile, especially when I buy stuff on a sale, and I’m not the typical brand tag wearer. I can go cheap when it comes to buying stuff I like. Shopping can’t be done every day but it can make me happy any day!

Who makes me smile?
It’s slightly difficult to make me smile, I’m at the moment more of a serious person. So there are hardly a few who can make me smile, no matter how rude or unpleasantly coarse I am at times.

Khushboo, my BFF is one person who can always make me smile. It’s not that she cracks a joke or something, but it’s that when I’m with her I can smile and laugh, like a lot. We talk totally about not-so-important things, laugh out loud, play BINGO and TIC-TAC-TOE on our record work-books, etc. We both laugh for nothing that’s the funniest part or sometimes laugh looking at each other. She has been my friend since 7 years now. Though we are not in touch often these days because of the busy work schedule of hers, I still know she is one person I can be happy with. Trust me, even if I’m depressed for decades, she can make me happy in a jiffy.

Ashish, my nephew is another guy who can irritate me and make me smile both at the same time. He’s just 1.5 years old. He hates it if my mom pampers me because of the attention he misses. When he sees me with my mom, he doesn’t really react at first, but makes sure to throw his shoes at me at least once in the end. It kind of irritates me to the core but with he’s got a killer smile, trust me. I’m always left with zero options to be angry with him.

I can be happy anytime, anywhere, any day, when I’m with mom and bro. They play a very important role in my life. So it means I’m happy almost every day when they’re around.

Do I laugh every day?
Pretty difficult to answer, but yes when I’m with my friends, I laugh a lot. When I think of the stupid and weird days of my life, I laugh a lil. But laughing everyday is something I have lacked. It’s not possible to laugh every moment. But yes when I laugh, I laugh like a drain. It’s sometimes good when people around look at me with an expression “What happened?” on their not-so-good-looking-faces. I will be happier if there’s something that makes me laugh every day.

Love?
Love, umm, well, lol, okay. I love God more than anything or anyone. Its not just because I’m spiritually inclined, but loving God more than anyone is a naked truth. Apart from the whole of spirituality thing, I love my family, friends and enemies (Okay, enemies because I don’t have anyone at the moment. So it was really easy for me to add it in my lovely love list).

This post ain’t random; I wanted to convey about one of my favorite quotes through this post. About what makes me happy, who makes me smile, how I laugh and about whom I love.

“Do what makes you happy
Be with who makes you smile
Laugh as much as you breathe
Love as long as you live”

Think about the list of things that makes you happy! Think.

Hyper-Queen

I'm essaying few wobbly steps like an infant to comprehend the significance of my "temper" which is getting a little out of hand lately. I'm being the "someone else" and not the absolute me. Am I undergoing some sort of an alteration? I am not capable of distinguishing the changes materializing in me off-late. There are questions which have to be considered or in all likelihood there is nobody to answer those questions? I'm asserting without sufficient information that some of the wounds and scars made me distasteful as I was drowned in many problems in life . I don't feel like to smile for everything, I'm just frowning even for a joke Which is strikingly odd. I was a different girl, the cutest one with a smile on the face even while asleep. I guess I lost the smile somewhere down the road.

I have instilled a sense of duty in me which perhaps is making me a serious person. At times some of the obligations manifest displeasure and I tend to hurt the one's who are close to me. I've been long-suffering stresses and strains in life which is making me outburst of rage. Its just a matter of a short period till I attain with effort the goals I set to myself. I am just not "OK" with the way certain things have turned out to be a complete failure. It's pretty unfair when life drops you in a situation where you completely forget to smile. But I want to remind myself - "Live while you still can". I will succeed and then will certainly smile. Till then people around me will have to recognize and respect me as the awkward "Hyper-Queen". I'll be fine, I guess.

I'm not sure how many react to the way I react to things when they are a complete failure. I guess its just freaking out!! I need time for myself to rediscover what I truly am and what I truly want?!

Satisfied with everything I own…

I’ve been into small troubles lately and something had stopped me from blogging as well, weird, eh? Life threw lotta rotten things at me. I did ask God “WHY ME?” and imagined God’s reply “WHY NOT YOU?” sometimes you can’t fetch for answers without a question. I wanted an answer not knowing what the question is. I know it’s totally weird but it happens to most of us [Don’t ya think so?]. At this point I know the importance of everything I own and I am not ready to lose anything I call mine right now, no sir. I took a long break from certain things which taught me to desire nothing more than what I have and still feel that i'm at point A in life, learning about it with an effort. So even if I ever happen to ask God –

Me –“why only me”?

I can imagine Him say “It’s not only you”!!

I’m all set to accept it. There are people with bigger problems than mine. So I now know how to deal with life and how to handle things related to “heart and mind”. Well, yea I don’t wanna sound like am swayed by sentiment. So I’ll end this topic right here. I’m sure most of you agree that this post has connected to your feelings and thoughts because everyone experience rough days in life and actually learn too much out of it like I did.

Any thoughts?

Happy Mothers Day!

If I’m ever asked about the role model of my life, I would, with full of high-spirited delight say “My Mom is my role model”. Her support always kept our entire family together. Without her I would have been no where today! My mom knows every thing that makes me happy and my mom knows the value of every tear I shed. If you ever seek for a love with no conditions, it’s only a Mother who can give it and nobody else, I bet you on that. My mom has been a patience- queen and I followed it. She has always been a blessing to everyone in the society. Even today, she supports me and encourages me not for what I am but for who I am. It’s only because of her that I’m still breathing today.
Mom, if you were not with me in these difficult times I would have been elsewhere. Your love has kept me alive. Thank you for your love and care. And I’m extremely sorry for being disobedient at times. I’m incredibly blessed. I promise I’ll be with you forever. Love you momma!!!

Happy Mothers day!