Trust in what you trust..

Just the other day, I was sitting on the couch thinking OMG its Saturday so soon. And today I sit and write these things and realized its Saturday again. Time is just flying by. Time's got wings baby. And I wish I had wings too, perhaps to fly backwards. Insane right? Anyway, I haven't been too lost to write something here, I had enough time, but I'm not sure where I'm putting it in.

Something terribly hurt me this week. Something I didn't expect would happen all over again. I "trust" and "believe" the ones I love so sanely that I would never allow myself to pass judgments on them. But sometimes the one you rely on may give up on you. The one you think is trustworthier may overlook the value you hand-out. Sometimes the one you know today is not the one you knew yesterday. I was being fooled around by someone I know is a very important part of my life. A good friend. A sibling. That person changed for good. Thinking way too much about the "change" that person adopted has gotten me swearing at myself for reasons that I should as a matter of fact stay thankful for. I was tad displeased with my very own nature of trusting people easily and getting too many wtf shockers in the end and sit with a tissue waiting to wipe off the watered eyes to get a clear picture of what really happened.

Life sometimes coaches us brilliant lessons yet we fail to heed. I realized it is purely necessary for each of us to be aware of all the things we learn everyday. I been lacking a lot of good lessons lately, although I'm the kinds who loves learning new things. But I always chose the easy way, ignore.But then, when I almost started to accept the fact that someone really close to me had picked their own choices of being untrustworthy, I thought to myself Hmmph so another good lesson. And the lesson is not to NOT TRUST anyone here after. But that, when you trust someone trust them WHOLLY don't really sit and cry beacause they broke it. It isn't your freaking responsibility if that someone really didn't bother to keep up the level of the trust you showed. No. It isn't. [And that doesn't mean you have to trust every tom, dick and harry :P]

Anyway, it is so damn weird to be in a situation where you know you feel like a complete fool without any complaints, without any annoying drama, without any expectations from that someone but yet the person walks out of your life happily teaching you a LOT. I definitely take a step back from peeving about the one who chose to walk out after breaking the whole trust. Because I know for sure, it wasn't my idea of being immature. I certainly know that whatever I did for that one person, believing or trusting or loving wasn't my fault.

I just gained a lil hope. Today's brightest star may not be the brightest tomorrow. Today's moon may hide behind the clouds tomorrow. But still, there's always a lil hope and you know that there are certain things that still exist and will be back for good. Just wanted you to know too, that things will change, but just for your GOOD. I'm accepting it now. And no, I'll still keep trusting the ones who I know are close to me, because I know I will be making a difference if I be me. Trust someone just like a child does that wouldn't make you any smaller. Its not gonna be your fault trusting anyone with your heart, it would be their fault for not understanding it.

Trust issues are crazy. And definitely shook me a lil more than needed. And some people are hard to be forgotten.

PS: Not complaining about that someone here but just had to let it out to look at the bright side!

On being Ridiculously Random...

Just in case you thought I was dead? Nay. Good news I'm still alive. I was sure LOST but didn't have any real thing to write about. I've had a hard attitude with myself for a while now. I was busy whining out complaints weakly about bizzare situations happening around. More like dabbling in a pool of self-pity. I've been making weighty efforts in keeping my head straightened up so that it doesn't look at the 'nightmare' sort of things that are already over. Sheesh! This is widely the problem with us [or just me], we end up worrying about those least favourable situations until they become flawless, later sit and wonder what the hell man? I been through so much shit already?! Haw? I mean, yes it is one hundred percent human.

But I believe, its better to let go off those things that have already waved an awesome good bye to you. Because some weird things come to us for a short time. More like a 24 hour thing. So, nothingness hit me hard for a while, by default. Don't think I suffered. I enjoyed it. The point is if you don't love your life, its gonna act crazily awful with you. So, just learn to love every bit of it. Okay? This might seem nothing interesting to read, but I definitely chose to empty my mind for good. And now I feel its long past time to change the subject *smiles happily than ever*

Currently :

I'm in love with the awesome weather. Cloudy. Wet. Grayish. Sometimes its got amazing shades of faded blue. I'm happy because its been quite a while since I got baked in the hot weather.

I wish for some extra stars in the sky. Or I probably wish I lived on a hilltop so that I can see the stars even more clearer without any pollution issues. Jeez. Like honestly do you still see those bright stars up in the sky these days, like we saw as kids? I say hell no. I wish to have a busy star gazing night sometime real soon.

I'm reading Right fit wrong shoe by an Indian writer Varsha Dixit. I want to write too. I mean write and publish my own books. Long way to go though. But someday I'd love to see my book(s) in the library stacks! That might sound crazy. You can laugh I won't mind. *Makes a face*

I miss my best girl friend as she chose to fly to another country for the sake of studies. Sharing one of my personal favourite pictures of us both.

Anyway, whats wrong with facebook? :-O It always gets unusual things in front of my eyes. Which in a way, is good. Gets some giggles in action. The questions were messed up :-|

AND

PS: Smiling is important.

A hug of hope...

I want to hold myself tight from those unacceptable frozen situations that seem to be taking forever to melt. I want to crawl away from the moments that only allow me to enjoy a blow. I want to paint everything around me with bright colors, because they seem black and white. I want to have more faith even when my wishes seem to be neglected. I want to slide away from the thoughts to feel a lil less crappy. I want to smile even when I know I'm feeling miserable on the inside. I want to avoid desires for tomorrow to be lucky, because I feel a strong need for this moment to be luckier. I want to be ready to be irreparable even if broken into million pieces. I want to stand up firm even if my legs get weaker. I want to be positive when negativity jabs at me hard. I want to hear something that can make my heart go glee. I want to wait without expectations. I want to keep my eyes open for the very best part of my life...

And beyond anything, all I want right now, is a HUG of HOPE!

A girls handbag, REALLY?

I miss writing. Changes happen sometimes like a lot. I was busy in one of the happiest worlds in the recent past and even now. I wanna write it all but time sometimes time doesn’t permit and so does laziness [grins]. Well, anyway now that I’m back to the writing mode, I wanted to share this very personal experience I’ve had couple of days back when I went to this youth meet I attend every Saturday at a church. After the singing session there’s always a game that’s organized for relaxation before we proceed to hear the preacher preach to the youth. So, games are always fun ain’t they? We were all set, and were divided into four different groups. I was content with the group I was in. Later I was asked to shift to group 3 because there were just a few of them and it needed to be equaled.

I was like ‘Okay never mind game is a game even if you sit with different groups’. The group I joined had like 5 boys and just one girl excluding me. I sat with the girl and we waited for the rules of the game to be told out. The game was all about writing A-Z on a piece of paper and writing down all the things that you have that starts with a specific letter. So, if its ‘A’ then you need to have a thing that starts with that letter. Simple? [Yeah, very simple but I hardly

understood the rules and the game until it began]. At the back of my mind I was wondering ‘oh gosh how do we even find so many things? Like, 26 alphabets and 26 things you’ll need?' Anyway the highest list of things collected by the groups will be given a gift in the end. So, BIG deal [winks].

The paper was given to me, I was asked to write A-Z vertically. Remember this was a team game. I wrote it all down in an awkward handwriting. Then we started discussing about all the things we have. All I had was a wrist band. I could fill the letter B as Band. Then the girl who was with us in the group opens her handbag and starts taking out everything.

A – ATM

B – Band [that’s mine]

C – Cream

D – Deodorant

The game got a lil exciting as we knew we would get the highest number of things from the BAG.

E - Eyeliner

F - Facewash

G - Gold

H - Hair-clip

Dude! Don't underestimate a girls bag huh!

[We definitely didn't find anything with I and J as time was running out we jumped to K]

K - Kerchief

L - Lipgloss

M - Money

N - Napkin

O - Orbit

P - phone [one common thing eh?]

R - Rosery

S - Shoe

T - Thread

U - *blank*

Time was running out and we all looked at her for help. She opens her bag and shows it to me and says -

She - "What else do we need from this?".

Me - WHOA! There are so many things still? :-O *In shock*

She - Yeah *looks happy*

[we proceed with the game]

V - visiting card

W - watch

X - *blank*

Y - Year calendar

Z - Zip [Trust me she allowed a guy to break a zip of her hand bag]

Who do you think won the task?! We? No! The girl with the handbag. Amazing. *Round of applause* woohoo!

A woman's bag is the most expensive thing eh?

[If you're wondering about my handbag, don't wonder I never carried one.]

Oh how I wait for you....

The lonely steps I take alone with little difficulty, not knowing who I’d come across on my way. The weather lacked color; it was uncomfortably chilled and breezy. I pull my hands together rubbing them somewhat, to warm myself from the cold wind and also the mystifying slap of tingle on the inside. The steps taken alone with abundant thoughts running at the back of my mind make a lil curve at the edge of my lips. Smile. You stand there tall in front of me looking at the other side of the road. I stop. I look at your sparkling eyes, unable to read even a single thing because I see a thousand words flashing at a time. I try looking away but I’m stuck. The world was absolutely still and everything else around you and I appeared blur.

It looked like the world has come to an end. If I ever happen to be in a place where I’d see your glistening eyes then I’m ready even if everything comes to an end. My heart speaks nothing for a while. I wanted to see you for as long as I could. The weather has become even dimmer, the breeze hitting stronger in my face this time and blowing hard in my hair. That’s exactly when your eyes meet mine. A huge raindrop fell dropped on my cheek like a tear. I wipe it with my cold hands, not really missing out on keeping me eyes open to yours. My heart beats one beat faster than usual. You take a step back, with a half-smile on your lovely face. Now I see your back, because you chose to turn away, and take your own steps. I still waited there frozen in the cold rain which turned me all blue.

Why did I wait? Yes, for you to say something. Why did it rain? Because we were destined to meet. Why did you turn away? Because you had your own steps to take. But I waited. I would wait for you until eternity, just to have you stand there with me in the cold rain, which didn’t seem to be hurting me even a bit. I wanted to stand right there and protect your smile. Too many thoughts in my head. Too many ways I see I could take. But yet, I stopped. I froze there because I was sure; if it was meant to be then you will turn around and come to me. You would take my hands in yours and will keep them warm. You’d make me feel cozy even in this freezing cold rain that is never-ending. My feet are numb. My cold hands start to shiver a lil. My lips are still. My eyes have shut. I realize something warm rolled down my cheeks, the warmth of my tears. When I opened my eyes, everything looked perfect and clear. Now, I see you even clearer than what I saw before. You were right in front of my eyes.

You didn’t realize my eyes were wet with tears as the rain hid it all. You rub on my cheeks gently with your hands. You take my hands and hold them tight. I try to shake a lil to see if I was dreaming, but no, you came back. You knew I waited for you. You held me tight and made me feel warm. I see your sparkling eyes on me so strong! The joy in my heart is full. I feel like smiling a thousand times. This is you, who knew, I waited. You held me close and whispered the most amazing words- “I’ll hold you like this forever even in the storm, I’ll keep holding you”.

And now I see that we stood under a bright cloud.

PS: sometimes all you need to do is - WAIT :)

'Better' kicks in, in its own time...

Sorry for the longest delay in posting something here. There was so much happening with me for the past one month and I’m running short of BEST words to rhapsodize the whole thing. But I can talk about this quote that’s been kicking in my life even when I'm on the verge of avoiding it – “Everything happens for a reason”. When you use this line when someone’s highly depressed, you’ll be asked questions like HOW many other reasons coming my way and etc. It’s okay you can gladden anyone with this saying because it’s VERY true. Maybe the person wouldn’t be ready to take it positively then and there but will learn the depth of it directly or indirectly after a while.

Primarily that’s what has happened with me too. Last year, April and May has taken me on a tour to hell. I crashed into depression. I was unhappy and acted off-the-wall the whole day. Many of them said these words to tranquilize my pain. But I was never fully apprehended about what it all meant. Why does anything need to happen just for one GOOD reason I thought. I used to yell at people who comforted me and told them not to overlook the obvious. And trust me I never believed in that saying. It’s always been like a muddled ‘quote’ and I had no way of being sure about the good reasons that were on the way to my life. But honestly today I feel that I thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of figuring out what this saying really meant. Life at times throws rotten shit in your face. Stop peeving about it. Wipe it out. What else can you do?

I needed help for my own. I wanted to get rid of all the crap. I learned to wait for right things to happen in their own time. And trust me waiting for BRIGHT things will bring BRIGHTER things. This year, April and May has taken me on a tour to heaven which I never thought would happen. And it’s true, everything happens for a GREAT reason. So wait. Don’t hurry and mess up things. Stop having one tracked minds, it’s not gonna help but a healthy attitude helps to wipe off the rotten stuff. Wait for the ‘better’ to kick in just like how I waited. And again I say – Everything happens for a good reason!

On a sweet note to my Parents

Mom and Dad,

Don’t niggle I’m not running away from the house [not anytime soon]. By all odds I disfavor running away from home letters, because why to run away considering the fact that you have to inform? Okay this is breaking away elsewhere. Bottom line this ain’t a runaway letter. This is a thank you letter and also a love you letter. Because I’ve known you both for 22 years now and you have been a slap-up strength and exceedingly great support to me always. Regardless of the fact that I used to share half of the things with dad and many other things with mom, still you both loved me like crazy. Dad I remember you carrying me on your shoulders and going around for walks and sometimes also danced to the music with me on your shoulders. It was easy to carry me then no? But I still want to be carried on your shoulders. As I’m writing this I just remembered the times when we used to ride together in dad’s old ambassador car and I would sit between both of you in the front seat. Sometimes I also dozed off holding dads arm and mom would pull me close to her. I remember some very cute talks you both used to have and dad would just adjust his throat to remind mom that I’m listening.

And the times when you both held hands and prayed for three of us. As parents you’ll did the best job. You’ve given us everything we’ve asked for. Most significantly the impartial love that was shown towards us has kept us all so strong and rich in love. Dad, remember when mom took a loud tone on me and you got so mad at her, but you couldn’t help it because you loved mom as much as you loved me? And that day you took us both for a drive in the car and got me my fave drink, coke? And mom, do you remember how I tried drawing yours and daddy’s pictures on the wall with crayons and you both ended up saying, you taught her all this, no you taught her, she’s your favorite you’ve spoiled her and blah?

I remember every lil bit of our journey together until this day. There are lot more things I can share but it’ll be like a longest letter and I’m not ready to see ya’ll yawn while reading this so very cute letter. Mom you’ve been the patient queen of the house and dad being the busy bee. You both are the best parents I’ve known; even today I can see the same love dad has for mom and the same grumpy look mom gives to dad when she needs pampering. Everything is still the same. Only thing is you both are getting old. I’m writing this randomly on May 14^th just to wish you both a very happy wedding anniversary. You both are like wings to me. You let me fly everywhere I want to. Your love has kept me strong throughout these years. Your support has helped me be a support to a lot of others. The smiling face I see every morning beside my bedside – Mom. And the loving face I see every morning when we sit together for family prayers – dad. You both mean so much to me. I know I've disobeyed a lot of times, but still you both held me so close and never let me go.

I promise to be the same cute lil one you held in your arms since my day one on this earth.

Happy Wedding Anniversary.

Love you both so much !