Hyper-Queen

I'm essaying few wobbly steps like an infant to comprehend the significance of my "temper" which is getting a little out of hand lately. I'm being the "someone else" and not the absolute me. Am I undergoing some sort of an alteration? I am not capable of distinguishing the changes materializing in me off-late. There are questions which have to be considered or in all likelihood there is nobody to answer those questions? I'm asserting without sufficient information that some of the wounds and scars made me distasteful as I was drowned in many problems in life . I don't feel like to smile for everything, I'm just frowning even for a joke Which is strikingly odd. I was a different girl, the cutest one with a smile on the face even while asleep. I guess I lost the smile somewhere down the road.

I have instilled a sense of duty in me which perhaps is making me a serious person. At times some of the obligations manifest displeasure and I tend to hurt the one's who are close to me. I've been long-suffering stresses and strains in life which is making me outburst of rage. Its just a matter of a short period till I attain with effort the goals I set to myself. I am just not "OK" with the way certain things have turned out to be a complete failure. It's pretty unfair when life drops you in a situation where you completely forget to smile. But I want to remind myself - "Live while you still can". I will succeed and then will certainly smile. Till then people around me will have to recognize and respect me as the awkward "Hyper-Queen". I'll be fine, I guess.

I'm not sure how many react to the way I react to things when they are a complete failure. I guess its just freaking out!! I need time for myself to rediscover what I truly am and what I truly want?!

The Adventure (Silly one)

Couple of days back, my friend (my junior in college) and I planned to meet and spend time together in the evening. Fortunately it started to rain cats and dogs, I said "wow" at first, and later "boo", imagining a walk on the wet road. The whole realm of me being ignored off late certainly put me into doldrums. So, to completely wet myself that day wasn't really a good idea, Although rain is so much fun! I informed my friend that we will meet only if the rain stops fully, or drop the whole idea of meeting. I still had a strong appeal to go out in the rain, yet refused myself not to get invited by it. Something did stop me, but i love the chill wind after the rain, i love the black cloud when it dims the light and the smell of the wet-mud. As soon as it stopped raining my friend and I planned to go and have an ice-cream and maybe a short ride. Such a cute idea on the whole, eh?

We took a long walk by the lake which is 20 minutes away from where i stay talking rapidly about shoes, accessories, clothes, bags and all sorts of unimportant matters as well. As we talked and walked, we found a guy who passed by with white sheets in his hands and asked us something. We both did ignore him as we were busy talking aimlessly. I looked around to see who it was and the guy was standing right there waiting for an answer from us, I asked him "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?". He said, if we could pay him like $1.20 (USD) which is Rs 60 in Indian rupees he would make my sketch in 15 minutes. Dude, you want us to believe that? My eyes looked surprised yet. My friend didn't let me stand there. But i still couldn't take my eyes off him with a surprise wondering if he surely would make my sketch? I love photography & painting, I did try sketching too but yes i rather not talk about it.

Whats wrong if i pay him and get my sketch done? I've never tried it before and no one ever was inspired to make my sketch in my entire life. I looked around and said hey can you make a sketch of both of us? He looked at me and said "Only one at a time". I said, $1.20 is like too much just for one person, lets forget it! And trust me that's one trick I use when there is a way to haggle, i really wanted my sketch to be made. He said how much will you pay? I said 83 cents, which in Indian price is Rs 40. He agreed to it, which was surprising to me. Is he a professional? Can we trust him? I never shut my mouth, questions flow outta my mouth till I get an appropriate answer. It indeed was a venture, one with an uncertain outcome. I sat down and asked my friend not to leave me and go because I might laugh or giggle for no reasons and feared that he might make my sketch worse. I had many thoughts in my mind a) Capture the sketch and upload it on my blog sharing how my sketch was a happy outcome b) Make a frame of my own sketch with a date below it c) Demand for a full refund in case the sketch is not up to the mark.

I was so eager to see how my sketch looked like. Is it cuter than how i look or is it ugly? I couldn't wait at all. I was all smiles and happy because trying out new things make me enthusiastic. And finally it was done he called me to have a look. DISASTER! I mean it. I was like UGHHHHHSSSSSS who is this? OMG do you believe he made me look like a fat young lady with several kids. Options A and B were outta my mind. Option C was left out, but i just took the sheet of the sketch paid him and walked off annoyed. It doesn't matter he at least made a picture of a girl, so i don't need any sorta refund, but yes if he would have added mustache to it then there were chances for me to demand for a full refund. Aw, sad me. I just walked silently looked at my friend, and we burst out laughing at the silly adventure. He he, it did make me laugh and made me think how my folks would react to looking at the sheet of the so called sketch of Esther! Below are the lovely reactions:

Mom - She held the sheet in her hands, started to compare my eyes, my nose, my lips, my smile and at the end she asked, "Who is in the sketch"!?

Brother - OMG!!

Sister - Wow, lovely adventure.

Friend - I knew something like this would happen. DUH!

A venture which was a disaster made me laugh my ass off.

State of being overlooked...

I hate the feeling of being ignored deliberately. Maybe everyone else is busy with their work or maybe I want everyone to concentrate only on me. Don’t ask me who because I really am unaware of this feeling inside of me. A feeling that I’m being ignored by someone I wanna know. Technically, Mondays suck! Especially, when you end up having a blast on the weekend and there’s nobody with you on a weekday that’s deplorably sad.


I vacated my position at work as I thought to finish off my studies first. I’m more enjoying the days of being unemployed. I don’t expect everyday to be a weekend, however, I've never felt like how I feel today and it’s extremely horrible to define. I spent most of my afternoon watching the movie confessions of a shopaholic like 3 times in a row due to today’s movie plan which was kind of a huge bust. I still can’t figure out the sign indicating the presence of me being unheeded.


Probably I’m just seeking for excessive pamper, love and yeah a few compliments too, which might make me feel important. At times it does happen that someone was with you yesterday listening to all that you say and even does not get bored when you talk total crap and ignores you today not even wishing you a “Good morning” makes anybody feel that they’re being overlooked, isn’t it? I want all the attention I get not only when I meet people but also when I’m alone. Maybe a note in an email or maybe someone could text me saying “You’re remembered”. When I plan on staying alone for a while, circumstantially I get noticed and when I want to be noticed it usually doesn’t work out my way at all. I don’t know the explicit reasons why I feel unimportant today, but yea at times it just drives me nuts.

On a Rainy Evening

I have been doing a lot online today and also updated the “About me” column in 20 something bloggers and mentioned two things that make me the happiest girl no matter how worse the situation is, Rain and Music. Wonders never cease, it rained this evening. It brought a pleasing smile onto my face and made me look so bright. I sat in the balcony with the mp3 player my brother had given me in the recent past and begged mom to make a cup of coffee and I tell you confidently that I still can’t make a cup of coffee myself, so gross, but that’s OK! I played Birthmark by akon with maximum volume enjoying the rain, sipping hot coffee and sang these lines:

Go back to where we began

To that point which is days apart

The stamp right next to your heart

All I could capture was the dark cloud

I so much miss the days of my college. My college resumes in the month of June every semester after the summer vacation. It used to rain like every morning and I always planned on avoiding college because it was more fun sleeping and hearing to the rain outside. My college was 50 steps away from home so I had to take a walk everyday. My bff and I were rain-lovers (BINGO). One of our best hobbies was to play in rain- Folding our pants till the knee, wrecking our shoes, splosh across the wet meadow and to wake up with 45 sneezes the next day. I realize that our present always gets connected to our past! I miss those days, I swear. Today, I had good time alone with the music and I must add that, this was one of the cutest evenings in a long time now. Life is making more sense to me every day. I don’t peeve about my problems anymore as I’m ready to embrace every piece of difficulty.

Later in the evening I spent time with my bro who is recovering from whole of the accident scene that happened 2 weeks ago. We both had a rapid conversation about funny stuff that I prefer not to mention or it would add more weight to our insanity. Meanwhile, we also had cherries enjoying the weather and the silly talks, of course. Yeah, I did capture pictures with him that’s one of the things I can’t stay without doing. Like I said this was one of the cutest evenings I’ve had in a long time and I love it baby!

Here’s one of the darling visitors (My Nephew) who came home to wish my bro “get well soon”. Kids are such darlings I tell you. I completely adore this baby who looked super cute in his pullover.

And hey it’s still raining!

Satisfied with everything I own…

I’ve been into small troubles lately and something had stopped me from blogging as well, weird, eh? Life threw lotta rotten things at me. I did ask God “WHY ME?” and imagined God’s reply “WHY NOT YOU?” sometimes you can’t fetch for answers without a question. I wanted an answer not knowing what the question is. I know it’s totally weird but it happens to most of us [Don’t ya think so?]. At this point I know the importance of everything I own and I am not ready to lose anything I call mine right now, no sir. I took a long break from certain things which taught me to desire nothing more than what I have and still feel that i'm at point A in life, learning about it with an effort. So even if I ever happen to ask God –

Me –“why only me”?

I can imagine Him say “It’s not only you”!!

I’m all set to accept it. There are people with bigger problems than mine. So I now know how to deal with life and how to handle things related to “heart and mind”. Well, yea I don’t wanna sound like am swayed by sentiment. So I’ll end this topic right here. I’m sure most of you agree that this post has connected to your feelings and thoughts because everyone experience rough days in life and actually learn too much out of it like I did.

Any thoughts?

My name says it all…

I don’t really know why I had this thought today? What is the meaning of my name?


When I was 6 years old one of my dad’s associate pastors had taught me the meaning of my name. I know it sounds ridiculous to believe that I still remember something learnt at the age of 6. But you have to believe me. Esther means star. I’ve known three meanings of star; one of the celestial bodies visible at night, My teacher marking star in my homework book for Excellency, A person who has been outstandingly successful in helping others. However today I learnt more on my name. It’s a Persian word setareh which not only means a star but also means a morning star. I have investigated if I was a star like my name? I wanted to be one of a kind who can be successful in helping others. I may not have succeeded in helping someone everyday but have at least tried to find out if I could be of any help to the one in need. I feel great joy when I’m helpful to others and compliment myself for the great work.


The reason I stressed more on the meaning of my name today was because of my new neighbor who lives 2 floors above my flat. There were a bunch of people of my apartment waiting to take the lift, I was one among them. I immediately take the stairs as soon as i spot crowd waiting for the lift. Today I was tired and had to stand along with the crowd. Everybody was pathetically stuffed and I had no place for one step forward. I was like “Oh no you guys carry on”! There was a lady on a wheel chair waiting for the lift along with us. I wondered “Nobody cared to take her first into the lift and drop her at her place”. I started to stare at her and we both exchanged smiles. I looked at my phone trying not to feel conscious about why she was still staring at me? She looked at my phone and looked at me and asked me what class? I said, I’m working and as well preparing for higher education. She couldn’t believe her eyes (I can’t say beyond this, I look like a 14 year old). I asked her which floor is anyone….? And the lift arrived so our conversation broke! A man interrupted due to which I couldn’t look at her and continue to ask what I wanted to… as soon as the man left I asked her “is someone coming to take you or shall I……?” The man interrupted again saying “hello, I’m here to take her”.


The lady looked so happy when she knew I would have helped her and said that’s ok, you take the lift we will wait here. Because of the wheel chair only 2 could go in the lift. I asked them to carry on, as my flat is on the second floor and I could take the stairs. I felt so happy when she waved “bye” saying come home some day! Although this was just a 5 minute scenario, that lady would always remember me as a sweet neighbor, unlike others who took the lift leaving her all alone.

It’s a great deal to prove the existence of the meaning of my name. Anybody who feels happy helping a stranger? Do share it. :)

Happy Mothers Day!

If I’m ever asked about the role model of my life, I would, with full of high-spirited delight say “My Mom is my role model”. Her support always kept our entire family together. Without her I would have been no where today! My mom knows every thing that makes me happy and my mom knows the value of every tear I shed. If you ever seek for a love with no conditions, it’s only a Mother who can give it and nobody else, I bet you on that. My mom has been a patience- queen and I followed it. She has always been a blessing to everyone in the society. Even today, she supports me and encourages me not for what I am but for who I am. It’s only because of her that I’m still breathing today.
Mom, if you were not with me in these difficult times I would have been elsewhere. Your love has kept me alive. Thank you for your love and care. And I’m extremely sorry for being disobedient at times. I’m incredibly blessed. I promise I’ll be with you forever. Love you momma!!!

Happy Mothers day!